Mom said these stories remind her of Me :)
| Funny Animal Facts......
You know you're a dog person when...
- You have more dog beds, chew toys, collars, leashes, harnesses, and dog crates than you have dogs.
- You meet other people with dogs, and remember their dog's call name after 30 seconds, but don't get the owner/handler's name until you've met them 2 or 3 times.
- You don't think twice about trading licks of an ice cream cone with your dog.
- Your parents give up on grandchildren and start to refer to your dogs as "your kids" or your children." (Bonus: they start to call them "our granddogs.")
- 90 percent of your Internet connection time goes to the dogs (seeing what's new when you enter your breed into the browser, reading up on multiple lists, checking out photos, sounds and FAQs, etc.).
- You have hundreds of pictures of your dogs on your desk at work, in your wallet, etc., but none of your family or yourself.
- No one wants to ride in your car because they know they'll get dog hair on their clothes.
- You reach into your pockets for change, and liver treats, dog kibble, and pick-up bags fall all over. (Bonus: You've done this in a classy establishment.)
- You've had long meaningful discussions with your friends on the best way to trim your dog's nails, but have never had a manicure or pedicure in your lifetime.
- Books and movies are ruined for you if the dog references are incorrect.
- The highlight of your day is spending time with your dog.
- You watch simply awful movies because your breed is either featured in a cameo scene or there's a 3-second camera shot during a crowd scene.
- All of your clothes have dog hair on them, even when they come back from the laundromat or dry cleaners.
- The only thing your friends, colleagues, and passing acquaintances say to you when they see you is, "How are the dogs?" or "How many dogs do you have now?"
- Your photo Christmas cards feature your dogs (humans optional).
The dog is not allowed in the house.
Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
The dog can get on the old furniture only.
Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
Doggie at the Movies
I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."
Seeing Eye Dog Joke
There are two guys, one with a Doberman Pincher and one with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're really very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" He says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From My Dog...
If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
Don't go out without ID.
Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: "Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer." A dog ambling down the street saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.
The office manager said, "I can't hire a dog for this job." The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."
So the manager said, "Okay, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the typewriter and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly typed.
The manager, looking to stump the dog, said: "Here is a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.
The manager still wasn't convinced. "I can't hire a dog for this position," he said. "You've got to be bilingual."
The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."
(According To Canine Historians)
On the first day God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy & the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to walk the dog.
Beware of Dog!
Source: JOSEPH E OFFENBACHER
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Dogs and Light Bulbs
These are the answers from dogs when asked....
"How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?"
- Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
- Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
- Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
- Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
- Rottweiler: Make me.
- Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants.
- Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
- Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
- Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
- Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
- Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
- Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
- Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
- Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
- Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, there it is right there........
- Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
- Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
- Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
- Pomeranian: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs, I am not one of them, so the question is: how long will it be before I can expect light?
Dog Property Laws
- If I like it, it's mine.
- If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
- If I can take it from you, it's mine.
- If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
- If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
- If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
- If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
- If I saw it first, it's mine.
- If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
- If it's broken, it's yours.